Life in West Virginia: I REMEMBER NOW WHY I THIS BLOG

Monday, December 07, 2009

I REMEMBER NOW WHY I THIS BLOG

It was so that I could at times, laugh at things and other times, let things out when needed. Kinda like venting on the Scream on ivillage to my friends. God let me say my prayers now that I can survive the torment that Kim puts me through at times for what seems to me is no reason and to him is high treason. I can barely hold myself together at times between bi-polar and depression and I don't need people fucking with my head at all. I know I am a good person and God Almighty please deliver me from this hell to let me move back into my own home and let me raise my little girl on my own. I knew there must have been some reason I was going over those figures in my head and putting them onto paper (virtual) just to look at them as some sort of hope, while trying to cover up the utter unhappiness in my life.

While at one time I loved Kim very much, it has deterioted into an untolerance between us that we can barely contain most of the time and thankfully, he works and sleeps most of it. However, when he is awake, it is unbearable with the name calling from him which starts me spiraling into a manic mood, out of control, him then turning on me, saying I am crazy, need to take my meds, listen to him and everything would be okay; well, yeah, I listened and you called me a dumb cunt and stupid bitch. Stupidest bitch you have ever known. Lazy, ungrateful, bitchy, ruined his weekend (um, took my mom's truck from him while he was gambling and drinking . . . so sorry I "ruined your weekend")

I am ready to move out but can't stay at Mom's right now. I can't move out and take this all out on her. My emotions are too unstable for that right now and I can, I have broad shoulders. I am a big girl and will wait it out until I get my settlement and can stand on my own two feet. Then I will leave and leave with my head held high and without his sorry ass.

He informed me this evening that he will give me no money for Christmas. Use my own money. After I spent mine on part of his bills, things on the house, him saying we'd have plenty for Christmas, he had 4 more checks until Christmas and now, I am fucked. I have a few things, but not nearly enough. Sam didn't send any money in November, so I am short $165 there, don't know if I will get Gary's $145 because he took off for hunting, so I am SCREWED. My kids, well, I can't even talk about it. Or rather, write about it.

AND SO, this is not getting posted until 7:28 am, rather than at 10:30pm last night as my computer got beer poured all over it and I had to allow my laptop dry out and still don't know if the screen will ever be right again and I won't get into who hit who first and what was an accident and what wasn't because it doesn't even matter anymore . . . being shoved to the floor is the same as being hit and maybe he didn't mean to chunk me in the chin and leave my neck immobile. He left after I called the cops and that brought a beautiful ending to my lovely evening with the asshole with which I reside as I was able to call them back and tell them he was gone, go to bed and sleep until coming to Mom's this AM. . . .